In elementary school my mom went back to work.  She used to be home to make us snacks after school, but when I, the youngest child, was in 2nd grade, she went back to work.  In her absence, we had Costco (or, in those days, Price Club--which my mother still calls it).  Costco was an award winning guardian as well as my mother who would let us decide what we wanted.  High on the list were Chinese rice bowls, croissants, taquitos and otter pops.  The fact that we always had otter pops represents an ingrained philosophy that still propels my actions today.  Let me explain.

In elementary school, I had a hard time making friends.  For some reason, I wasn't liked.  My mom thinks it's because I was mean.  I think it's because people were mean to me that I became mean.  Regardless, I was constantly teased and left out.  Picking partners in class was always a dreaded experience--as was sitting at lunch and playing at recess.  Although I had a few friends that would come over on the weekends (arranged by our parents), girls were mean.  Girls ARE mean.  we can be beasts.  So, like a normal child who is observing what makes the world go round--I had to learn how to make friends.  I observed that when someone had something to offer, the girls would be attracted by that and come eat it up (only to leave after that commodity was gone).  I learned that winning the admiration of the "lead" girl made all the other girls like you too.  I learned that if I had a funny story, a new snap bracelet, or something to share--I was in. 

So--putting two and two together--like the smart GATE child that I was--I learned that MAYBE my excess of otterpops at my house, with my desire to have kids to hang out with after school--with the fact that Cindy Wilson (one of the lead girls) lived down the street--could be used to my benefit.

So most days, when everyone was walking home and talking about what they were going to do after school, I would come up with "I HAVE OTTERPOPS AT MY HOUSE!!!" or on hot days, "WE CAN GO SWIMMING IN THE POOL!!"  Most of the time they would bite.  Even just coming over for 30 minutes so that they could have a few otterpops on the warm cement, play a round of ping pong and take off.

So there it began--with otterpops after school.  The lesson ingrained in my mind that, "if you have something to offer--people will be your friend".  which begs the opposite to be true, "if you have nothing to offer, you will have no friends."  What a bummer message to be sent to a lonely kid.  (the other message of "if you are nice, people will like you" didn't seem to work out either.  so i tried the opposite for a while which, as you can tell, doesn't work either).

So here comes the honest truth.  Living in a small town with friends who have lots of other, sometimes better, friends---how often have I moved into this mindset:

"I have cable, you can come watch tv here!"

"i'll make dinner.  come over!"

"i'll make that for you!  come hang out while i do it!"

"you need that done?  SURE, i'll be a good friend and do that for you”--with the hopes that you will consider me a good friend in return.

Now, I am not always in this frame of mind when these offers come out of my mouth.  Sometimes (i hope more often than not) I do have the pure motivation of my love for hospitality, generosity and community. 

I just wish those foundational beliefs weren't still reinforced in our culture.